Oh, right. I was going to shut up. Er… um… yeah.
I hate everything.
I am constantly discovering new vantage points from which to look at things and in retrospect seeing that I have done something mean or immoral or hurtful. Or simply remembering something horrible that I’ve done that I did knowing it was mean, immoral and hurtful. I would say this occupies 2 out of every 5 minutes of my conscious thought. Another minute out of every 5 is for sex, so you see there is not much time to spend on papers and poetry.
Feb 1grant app letter for nickgrant app for DAADcitizenship response 1
renprose paper 1
renprose paper 2billswalk the dogtake out the trashmake dinner
Feb X
citizenship responses 2-4
victorian lit exam
victorian lit papers 1-3
Galatea
foursquare
derek’s book
jen’s book
rob’s book
lorraine’s book
my take-home book
problemattica
bird-book
brenda’s draft
book for susana
book for peter
anthology TOC
AWP stuff
valentines
lease application
begin to do something that resembles exercise
There are some chapbook delays due to the following: uncorrected proofs; unreliable printer; unpredictable materials; unwrittenness.
1 February 2007 at 5:14 pm
the actions I regret most are ones that I did not think were wrong at the time.
I also think about sex frequently.
1 February 2007 at 5:21 pm
yeah, me too (wrongness).
it annoys me when people think that women are not as sexual as men, or shouldn’t be, or that men have to cheat and stuff because they’re inherently more sexual than women. i think i am more sexual than most men that i know. and a few women i know are right on par with me.
the annoying thing is that this issue ever comes up at all. people should just experience their sexuality however they want to and not be coerced into thinking about it in one way or another.
1 February 2007 at 7:42 pm
Self-torture is a very refined art, one that, for the disciplined practitioner, can allow for great experience of that precise spot where pleasure and pain intermingle.
1 February 2007 at 7:44 pm
finding the balance between having a conscience and being a masochist.
1 February 2007 at 8:39 pm
also, you know sometimes i am put into a new situation that is the same as a situation i have put someone else in previously, and i can suddenly understand anew how bad a situation it is.
i am in a constant loop of 2001. every year is 2001 all over again, like groundhog’s day.
1 February 2007 at 11:50 pm
I think that I am sexual on a completely different level than most people I know are (or admit to being). I form long strings of association leading from sexual situation of origin to completely unrelated triggers (recent example, the word “capacitance”).
I don’t think men are more sexual than I am. I think they are more impulsive and impatient. my nature knows great patience.
as for role reversal, I find a similar problem: I originally think that a person is doing a b and c & making me feel d e and f – later I get her side from someone else & find she told them that I was doing a b and c etc.
& then I don’t know what to believe.
In general I think it is just hard to know what is right until later. though I don’t think it’s true that hindsight is 20-20. memories get distorted, and, if nothing else, one forgets what it actually felt like to be in a certain position.
1 February 2007 at 11:57 pm
that is true.
in high school, a friend of mine (who was, unfortunately, gay, or i would have had a lot more fun in high school) and i played this game where we would take something in our context– i remember one of the weirder examples was the yellow line down the middle of the street– and try to link it to sex in the fewest possible steps, like “i spy” meets “6 degrees”
this kept us busy during debate trips.
and lunch.
and algebra.
and social studies.
and creative writing.
from which we both got suspended for writing “porn.”
but if anything i think i’ve become more sexual since then, and then i was keeping up with a teenaged boy! but now i actually know what i’m *doing* and then it’s like– why think about anything else, really? it’s the best thing in the world.
2 February 2007 at 6:37 am
I look back at my infinite care. There are no remaining replicas of me.
2 February 2007 at 8:03 am
it *is* one of the better things in the world. my two other favorites are writing (which can be about sex, as you pointed out) and science (which is practically sex anyway, and brought us the word ‘capacitance’).
-Alix